Trouble

There's gonna be some, shortly. I've had a look at everything I have, and everything I am, and everything I want, and I've come to the conclusion that almost everything has got to change.

I'm terrified. There are a million and one thoughts flying through my head right now, and aside from one or two oh-that'll-be-a-relief style thoughts, they're all pretty frightening. But the thought that scares me most, is the thought that 5-10-15 years from now, I'll have exactly the same things as I do now.

I cannot live like this forever. I don't want to hurt anyone, but that includes myself. I want the chance to make my life the way *I* want it, without any inferference from anyone else. My kids, it goes without saying, are part of 'my life' and their obvious interaction with me is in no way interference. But as for anyone else who's involved in my day-to-day life...

I should not have gotten married so young. SO young. So YOUNG. I was foolish and brainwashed and immature, and I am so sorry for the hash that I've made of this, but I don't want to keep making it. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I know what I need to do.

It's like that prayer that some people (my dad included, lol) are meant to pray every day--God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference... I am trying to scrape up the courage to change those things that are within my power to change.

But, oh. It takes so much courage sometimes, to do the right thing. And I am such a coward, in so many ways.

And as for serenity while doing courageous things...

Yeah. Well. Courage over serenity, is just going to have to be my motto.