Cowardice

I am such a hypocrite.

Such a lying, hiding, whining, sniveling, fucking coward.

All that SHIT about change, and praying for courage, and wanting to reinvent myself and my life and my dreams... it's all just fucking bollocks. I couldn't reinvent the fucking wheel, with all of ancient fucking Mesopotamia standing alongside me, giving me pointers.

And yes, you, YOU, you know who you are, I probably *did* say 'fuck' one or two times too many up there, but strangely, I don't GIVE a fuck. Moving on.

I am so sick of this. I am just... ill... when I think of the way everything turns out. When I think of how hard I try, and how I'm so fucking *inept* that my best efforts produce no tangible results... I just want something more. I just want to have what I want, and not feel guilty or heartless or ashamed or conflicted about it.

Like a wise man once said--OF COURSE I want to have my cake and eat it too. WTF else would you do with cake?

Or like an arguably wiser man once said--eat, drink, and FFS be merry, because tomorrow you're worm-food (okay, bacteria-food, but it doesn't have quite the same ring, does it?).

Any way you look at it, life is meant to be enjoyed, and I am just not enjoying mine. Partly that's because, yeah, I really kind of AM a slut, and I want to fuck most of my friends, and poor me, I'm too married and too maternal to do that... on the other hand, I also want some basic rights and freedoms that I'm being denied. I want to be able to have friends in my house, without having to face the Spanish Inquisition if some of them happen to be male (it's at the point where I *do* expect it, haha). I want to be able to set up a direct debit to the charities of my choice, without worrying that the other party on my fucking account is going to log on and cancel them all when he's in a strop. I want to be able to have people sleep on my floor for 3 nights in a row, I want to be able to get absolutely shit-faced once in a while, I want to be able to change my clothes in front of my webcam once in a while and give a friend a thrill, without feeling like a complete cunt.

Marriage is meant to be something sacred, I get that. It's a joining of hearts, of souls, of bodies. It's a meeting of minds, a diversifying of skills, a pooling of resources, that's meant to last a lifetime (longer, if you're a Mormon)... But somehow, marriage is the only equation in which adding 2 positive numbers actually reduces the sum total...??? Marriage, a union in which 1 + 1 = .... 1?

Surely that only makes me a half of something, as opposed to a whole... surely that makes me something other than what I was meant to be.

I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of compromise. I'm tired of being less than I am.

I just want to go back to being myself again.