Ranting

I use it as a release valve. If you've ever seen a psychologist in any way other than just passing him on the street, you'll have heard the idea that depression is just anger turned inward. I try to avoid depression, by SPEWING as much rage and bile and venom outward, as I possibly can. Most of the time, I manage to avoid hurting most people. There's usually someone I piss off, if I'm in a mood--not one specific person, it varies, depending on location/opportunity/etc--but aside from the fact that I usually catch someone a glancing blow with my barbs, insults, caustic observations and general fit-pitching, I limit the damage I cause fairly successfully.

I know I'm a narky bitch. I know I wind you guys up. I know I'm a lot of work. But I don't know any other way to be... other than defeated.

I can either rage against everything, or just give in. It has always been my way, my goal, my ideal, to stand and fight, if I believe my cause is just, but... oh. Just lately. Everything seems to have gotten so much harder than it used to be.

I was thinking about it the other day... I don't care about bears chained and forced to dance in Pakistani circuses. I don't care about kittens left in dumpsters. I care about starving children in the developing world, but only enough to give them my spare change; I'm not gonna be writing any letters to my congressman or crying over it. I care about children being beaten and sexually abused, but I only care £5 a month; I won't be answering any helplines myself, or lobbying for government change.

I care that my daughter doesn't speak, but I'm tired of walking the line between trying to educate her, and trying to change the person she is. Don't speak, my love. You're my heart anyway... and, I don't care what you do. I'll love you anyway, and that's all I've got the energy to do, so just do as you feel.

I care that my son gets overlooked. Hi, Bunnyman. I forget to cuddle you sometimes, because your sister doesn't want cuddles... I'll give you a squeeze now, sit you on my lap for a few minutes, and then continue on with my day for the next 3 hours, and I don't care, because some days, it's all I can do to change you and feed you and give you a smile and a 'Hi, Bunnyman,' and this is one of them.

I'm tired of this. I am just so tired of this. I just want it to end.