I use it as a release valve. If you've ever seen a psychologist in any way other than just passing him on the street, you'll have heard the idea that depression is just anger turned inward. I try to avoid depression, by SPEWING as much rage and bile and venom outward, as I possibly can. Most of the time, I manage to avoid hurting most people. There's usually someone I piss off, if I'm in a mood--not one specific person, it varies, depending on location/opportunity/etc--but aside from the fact that I usually catch someone a glancing blow with my barbs, insults, caustic observations and general fit-pitching, I limit the damage I cause fairly successfully.
I know I'm a narky bitch. I know I wind you guys up. I know I'm a lot of work. But I don't know any other way to be... other than defeated.
I can either rage against everything, or just give in. It has always been my way, my goal, my ideal, to stand and fight, if I believe my cause is just, but... oh. Just lately. Everything seems to have gotten so much harder than it used to be.
I was thinking about it the other day... I don't care about bears chained and forced to dance in Pakistani circuses. I don't care about kittens left in dumpsters. I care about starving children in the developing world, but only enough to give them my spare change; I'm not gonna be writing any letters to my congressman or crying over it. I care about children being beaten and sexually abused, but I only care £5 a month; I won't be answering any helplines myself, or lobbying for government change.
I care that my daughter doesn't speak, but I'm tired of walking the line between trying to educate her, and trying to change the person she is. Don't speak, my love. You're my heart anyway... and, I don't care what you do. I'll love you anyway, and that's all I've got the energy to do, so just do as you feel.
I care that my son gets overlooked. Hi, Bunnyman. I forget to cuddle you sometimes, because your sister doesn't want cuddles... I'll give you a squeeze now, sit you on my lap for a few minutes, and then continue on with my day for the next 3 hours, and I don't care, because some days, it's all I can do to change you and feed you and give you a smile and a 'Hi, Bunnyman,' and this is one of them.
I'm tired of this. I am just so tired of this. I just want it to end.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Do you ever feel... just... tired? It's been a rough few days, and that's not even the worst part. The worst part is, I *almost* had a way out, and then... well. These things happen, don't they?
I am so defeated right now, I can barely muster the energy to type this.
Now, as always, if I want something done, I'll have to do it myself. And it's alright for people to tell me that I need to do it myself; however--these are generally the same people who lived with their parents until they moved in with their fiance, or people who live with friends and pay a pittance in what they laughingly call 'rent', and other people who, in short, have at least 3 different sets of friends/family members within a 10-mile radius that they can run to if their shit hits their proverbial fan... I have no such luxury. I have no safety net. This tightrope walk is all me, and I'm about to fling myself through the air and hopefully manage to grab the flying trapeze before I land with a bone-splintering thud on the ground below.
This is the last time I'm doing this. I don't have the strength to do this anymore. I have spent the last 2 years screaming and raging and begging to be released, and if I can't make it happen this time, I am just going to stop.
I am so defeated right now, I can barely muster the energy to type this.
Now, as always, if I want something done, I'll have to do it myself. And it's alright for people to tell me that I need to do it myself; however--these are generally the same people who lived with their parents until they moved in with their fiance, or people who live with friends and pay a pittance in what they laughingly call 'rent', and other people who, in short, have at least 3 different sets of friends/family members within a 10-mile radius that they can run to if their shit hits their proverbial fan... I have no such luxury. I have no safety net. This tightrope walk is all me, and I'm about to fling myself through the air and hopefully manage to grab the flying trapeze before I land with a bone-splintering thud on the ground below.
This is the last time I'm doing this. I don't have the strength to do this anymore. I have spent the last 2 years screaming and raging and begging to be released, and if I can't make it happen this time, I am just going to stop.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
My Daughter
I tried to brush her hair today. It took me an hour, and it's maybe a third of the way done, and she screamed so hard for the first 30 minutes that she burst dozens of tiny blood vessels underneath her jawline, you can see them, clear as septicaemia, little plum-and-grape-and-strawberry-coloured pinpricks, beautiful and terrifying under her ethereally pale, almost blue-white skin... and I'm going to have to go in there now, and finish brushing her hair, because I can't let today's work be in vain. It's taken me 3 weeks to build up enough of an emotional... reservoir... of strength, to even do that much. I'll have to persevere.
But. Oh, I wish one of us could be less sensitive. If she has to suffer so, why do I have to suffer with her? It makes it worse, I'm so ineffective, so wary of harming her irreversibly, that sometimes, I don't do anything at all...
In the ideal sort of world, neither of us would have to suffer. In the next-best world, I'd be the one suffering, and she'd be happy and healthy and secure, and oblivious to my pain... I wish I could switch places with her. What parent doesn't wish that, when their child hurts? But I *mean* it. I'm whining, uselessly, predictably, boringly, and I don't care; why does she have to be in pain?
She is so beautiful. That's not maternal arrogance, some sort of puffed-up familial pride, some vanity regarding my own genetic superiority... she is beautiful. Somehow, that makes everything worse. Somehow, amidst all the worry and sorrow and unfathomable suffering, it's the fact that she's beautiful, that breaks your heart.
But. Oh, I wish one of us could be less sensitive. If she has to suffer so, why do I have to suffer with her? It makes it worse, I'm so ineffective, so wary of harming her irreversibly, that sometimes, I don't do anything at all...
In the ideal sort of world, neither of us would have to suffer. In the next-best world, I'd be the one suffering, and she'd be happy and healthy and secure, and oblivious to my pain... I wish I could switch places with her. What parent doesn't wish that, when their child hurts? But I *mean* it. I'm whining, uselessly, predictably, boringly, and I don't care; why does she have to be in pain?
She is so beautiful. That's not maternal arrogance, some sort of puffed-up familial pride, some vanity regarding my own genetic superiority... she is beautiful. Somehow, that makes everything worse. Somehow, amidst all the worry and sorrow and unfathomable suffering, it's the fact that she's beautiful, that breaks your heart.
Thursday, 9 April 2009
My Babies
Okay. My babies are worth it. They 'make up for' the things I've had to forgo. But it's still a hell of a fucking choice to make, your entire family/circle of friends/education/career prospects, for a couple of pocket-sized versions of yourself. Especially when one of them *is* more or less a complete carbon copy of you... I mean, really. If everyone around me is just me and me and me again, I'm just more alone the more of us there are, aren't I?...
I can't even think of anything else to say about that.
I can't even think of anything else to say about that.
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
Fucked by Love
The reason for the title of this post is because it's so true.
Look at me.
LOOK AT ME.
I live 4000 miles away from my family, I'm a university drop-out, I am up to my neck in debt, and I have few enough friends that I can count them on one hand minus my thumb. Compare that to a 17-year-old me, who lived with her family, had already completed a year's worth of uni credit while in highschool, her only debts were of the emotional sort, and she knew at least 10 people that counted as genuine, close, fairly reliable friends.
What the fuck happened? Oh, right. Like the title says. That girl got fucked by love (and not in the nice way) and turned into the bitter, angry wreck you see before you now.
I wouldn't mind it so much, but LOVE turned out to be less than I expected. Bit of a short stick, really. As the song says, 'Always weigh what I've got against what I left/So progress report, I'm missing you to death...'
My life now is in no way a match for, much less an improvement on, the life I had when I was 17. This is NOT a fair trade. I wish I'd realised then, what I was getting myself into.
There is nothing currently in my life, that makes up for all I've lost.
Look at me.
LOOK AT ME.
I live 4000 miles away from my family, I'm a university drop-out, I am up to my neck in debt, and I have few enough friends that I can count them on one hand minus my thumb. Compare that to a 17-year-old me, who lived with her family, had already completed a year's worth of uni credit while in highschool, her only debts were of the emotional sort, and she knew at least 10 people that counted as genuine, close, fairly reliable friends.
What the fuck happened? Oh, right. Like the title says. That girl got fucked by love (and not in the nice way) and turned into the bitter, angry wreck you see before you now.
I wouldn't mind it so much, but LOVE turned out to be less than I expected. Bit of a short stick, really. As the song says, 'Always weigh what I've got against what I left/So progress report, I'm missing you to death...'
My life now is in no way a match for, much less an improvement on, the life I had when I was 17. This is NOT a fair trade. I wish I'd realised then, what I was getting myself into.
There is nothing currently in my life, that makes up for all I've lost.
Monday, 6 April 2009
IT Geeks
So. I know a few.
No, really. I know one, at present. One proper fucking thinks-he-knows-it-all fucking computer NERD (this contravenes my definition of the word as well as his, but I'm being bitchy so I'm gonna go with it). He's really tremendously clever, so he comes across when he speaks, and I've no doubt that he knows his shit. His degree is in, oh, computer molestation or whatever, and knowing him, he understood every little segment of what he learned because, well, that's just the way he is. He won't leave anything alone until he understands it better than it understands itself. No doubt his questing, dextrous fingers can send your computer into spasms of ecstasy, the likes of which it's never known. He can probably get it to cook you breakfast and make your coffee just how you like it. He can likely... you get the gist. He certainly thinks he's shit-hot at IT, and I'm inclined to agree with his opinion, since I've seen him do other things well, and he only claims to be okay/not bad at them.
On the other hand. I have a friend who is completely self-taught, with regards to computers. He's good with numbers and logic, and he has a uni degree that would back those claims up, but he's much more understated. I have a webpage, which I don't show around much because it's not completed, and he knocked it together for me--free of charge, because that's the way he is. To his mind, if he can do something in 5 or 10 or 15 minutes, why would he charge anyone for it? And he is strongly opposed to IT guys who, in his opinion, waste billions of £££ every year, by implementing all sorts of unnecessary and fancy shit on websites which, if given his way, he could construct for a fraction of the cost. He claims that his work would be as user-friendly and efficient as anything a proper IT guy could create, and would likely look equally excellent as well. Not to mention it costing a quarter of what Mr. Techno-Big-Stuff would charge for his services. I mean, I understood the inherent flaws in his stuff, as well. Namely, real IT geeks wouldn't cum in their pants over his stuff; but for day-to-day use, it'd be spot-on, and he wouldn't be smug and superior about it.
I told my friend he was the most no-nonsense person I know, and I meant it. He is so without bullshit, it's an amazement to me. I genuinely believe that his IT skills are more than adequate for any task I/the average user would give him. And the lack of macho posturing is incredibly appealing.
And I just have to wonder. Like, how useful a skill is it, to be so good at IT that only die-hard computer nerds can appreciate you? I'm thinking it makes more sense to diversify. Learn something that's gonna help us when zombies take over the world. Show me you can fix an old car or do some simple plumbing or knock together a make-shift shelter in a rainstorm (using only the bounty of nature, your own two hands, and a Swiss army knife of some sort). Don't, like, try to impress me by doing stuff that's so technical and, forgive me, pointless that I can't even follow it. What's even the point, oh wait, I just said there IS none...
Some people have no idea what actually makes a worthwhile human being, as opposed to a nerdy waste of space.
No, really. I know one, at present. One proper fucking thinks-he-knows-it-all fucking computer NERD (this contravenes my definition of the word as well as his, but I'm being bitchy so I'm gonna go with it). He's really tremendously clever, so he comes across when he speaks, and I've no doubt that he knows his shit. His degree is in, oh, computer molestation or whatever, and knowing him, he understood every little segment of what he learned because, well, that's just the way he is. He won't leave anything alone until he understands it better than it understands itself. No doubt his questing, dextrous fingers can send your computer into spasms of ecstasy, the likes of which it's never known. He can probably get it to cook you breakfast and make your coffee just how you like it. He can likely... you get the gist. He certainly thinks he's shit-hot at IT, and I'm inclined to agree with his opinion, since I've seen him do other things well, and he only claims to be okay/not bad at them.
On the other hand. I have a friend who is completely self-taught, with regards to computers. He's good with numbers and logic, and he has a uni degree that would back those claims up, but he's much more understated. I have a webpage, which I don't show around much because it's not completed, and he knocked it together for me--free of charge, because that's the way he is. To his mind, if he can do something in 5 or 10 or 15 minutes, why would he charge anyone for it? And he is strongly opposed to IT guys who, in his opinion, waste billions of £££ every year, by implementing all sorts of unnecessary and fancy shit on websites which, if given his way, he could construct for a fraction of the cost. He claims that his work would be as user-friendly and efficient as anything a proper IT guy could create, and would likely look equally excellent as well. Not to mention it costing a quarter of what Mr. Techno-Big-Stuff would charge for his services. I mean, I understood the inherent flaws in his stuff, as well. Namely, real IT geeks wouldn't cum in their pants over his stuff; but for day-to-day use, it'd be spot-on, and he wouldn't be smug and superior about it.
I told my friend he was the most no-nonsense person I know, and I meant it. He is so without bullshit, it's an amazement to me. I genuinely believe that his IT skills are more than adequate for any task I/the average user would give him. And the lack of macho posturing is incredibly appealing.
And I just have to wonder. Like, how useful a skill is it, to be so good at IT that only die-hard computer nerds can appreciate you? I'm thinking it makes more sense to diversify. Learn something that's gonna help us when zombies take over the world. Show me you can fix an old car or do some simple plumbing or knock together a make-shift shelter in a rainstorm (using only the bounty of nature, your own two hands, and a Swiss army knife of some sort). Don't, like, try to impress me by doing stuff that's so technical and, forgive me, pointless that I can't even follow it. What's even the point, oh wait, I just said there IS none...
Some people have no idea what actually makes a worthwhile human being, as opposed to a nerdy waste of space.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
Nice Boys
Do they actually exist?
I was reading some comments on YouTube, it was a debate about whether or not Mecca is the centre of the world, and--as you might expect--a few Muslims had left some comments. One of the men had posted the extremely legitimate argument that 'Christian' or 'Western' men were all obsessed with sex, incapable of being gentlemen, etc. As he phrased it, 'every time I go into work, it's "oh I banged this one, I had sex with that one" -- even the geeks are like this' (rough rough rough paraphrase).
He's not wrong, is he?
How many of you, yes you, you geeks and nerds and other types of 'nice' boys I hang out with, how many of you have NEVER had sex with a girl you weren't crazy about, just because, well, she said okay? I know, it's not that you meant to hurt her. You mostly/probably/kinda tried to make everything clear from the beginning. If she got too emotionally involved with you, well, it's not your fault, is it? What are you meant to do about it, repeatedly rub her face in the fact that you don't care about her all that much? That'd just be cruel, right? Right?
Right. Sure. Of course it would be.
Why don't you guys just keep it up. Keep fucking around, keep shagging every vulnerable girl you can get your greasy grabby paws on, keep lying and dissembling and avoiding the truth, keep short-changing every nice girl who feels a spark of anything genuine for you, and one day, when you're old and sick and pissing your fucking pants at the thought of dying alone, it'll serve you right.
Or. You'll meet me (or someone like me) and you'll wish you'd played nice from the start.
Men. Fucking silly stupid thoughtless men. You think you're the only ones who can fake being in love.
I was reading some comments on YouTube, it was a debate about whether or not Mecca is the centre of the world, and--as you might expect--a few Muslims had left some comments. One of the men had posted the extremely legitimate argument that 'Christian' or 'Western' men were all obsessed with sex, incapable of being gentlemen, etc. As he phrased it, 'every time I go into work, it's "oh I banged this one, I had sex with that one" -- even the geeks are like this' (rough rough rough paraphrase).
He's not wrong, is he?
How many of you, yes you, you geeks and nerds and other types of 'nice' boys I hang out with, how many of you have NEVER had sex with a girl you weren't crazy about, just because, well, she said okay? I know, it's not that you meant to hurt her. You mostly/probably/kinda tried to make everything clear from the beginning. If she got too emotionally involved with you, well, it's not your fault, is it? What are you meant to do about it, repeatedly rub her face in the fact that you don't care about her all that much? That'd just be cruel, right? Right?
Right. Sure. Of course it would be.
Why don't you guys just keep it up. Keep fucking around, keep shagging every vulnerable girl you can get your greasy grabby paws on, keep lying and dissembling and avoiding the truth, keep short-changing every nice girl who feels a spark of anything genuine for you, and one day, when you're old and sick and pissing your fucking pants at the thought of dying alone, it'll serve you right.
Or. You'll meet me (or someone like me) and you'll wish you'd played nice from the start.
Men. Fucking silly stupid thoughtless men. You think you're the only ones who can fake being in love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
