Blue (If I Was Green I Would Die)...

Do you ever feel like you're just wasting your time?

I do, sometimes. And sadly, I am not a patient woman. There's only so much time I *will* waste, before calling it a day and moving the fuck on with my life.

It's a funny thing. This time of year always hits me the same way--the end (of said year) is nigh, what have I accomplished, if I'm going to get anything done I'd best get doing it. It doesn't help that my birthday's just around the proverbial corner.

26. I'll be 26 in a few weeks. I know it's not a milestone of any real significance, but it feels like it is... my mother was 26 when she had her first child, namely, me. I have 2 kids already. Score? Result? Hazaa? Because, what, there's some sort of global competition running? If there is, well, I'm not doing any better than most of the other entrants. Most people who have a kid go on to have another one, and most of their offspring are probably higher-functioning than mine seem to be.

That's not me being nasty. My babies are beautiful, wonderful, fun individuals, and I am thankful every day for their amazing personalities. From an efficiency standpoint, however, I am forced to concede that my eldest is somewhat less productive than your average child, and my youngest shows similar traits. Not that babies are *meant* to be efficient. They're almost frivolous, really, in their small, cute helplessness and general inability to do anything useful. But they are supposed to grow into slightly more purposeful versions of themselves.

Or. You know. Not.

Look at me, after all. What discernible purpose do I have? Now that's a question for the ages, that is... what do I do? Raise isolated children, in my little, isolated world? Maintain my own amazing standard of aloneness? Avoid the telephone? Hide offline on MSN all day? Never leave the house? When's the last time I actually DID anything of use?

I am really good at being a nice person. I'm not unfailingly nice, but I am better at being caring and/or compassionate than a lot of people are, and that's a great thing to be good at. That is, in theory, an excellent purpose; to make the world a nicer place.

But what good is it, if I never *see* anyone?