Back in April

I composed a rant that touched upon the subject of people doing things that are wrong, even though in their hearts, they KNOW it's wrong. They use various justifications, mitigating circumstances, and, particularly, the degree of wrongdoing to rationalise this--yes, what I did was wrong, but it wasn't that wrong and/or you've done something worse, so it's fine.

I wonder, though--do some people *really* feel that way? To me, you can almost always look at a situation and see the right choice/wrong choice, and no amount of self-justification can change what you *know* to be the right choice. Whether or not you then act in the correct fashion is, not irrelevant, but not the angle I'm coming from; my point is, to me, you can knowingly choose to do wrong, but surely, once you've made that choice, don't you still know, in your heart of hearts, that you're doing something bad?

I've broken my marriage vows. All mitigating circumstances aside--like the fact that my husband's broken them too, if in ways that sometimes differ from my own--just looking at that one statement, I made a vow, and I broke it. I am in the middle of breaking it. I am tearing the fabric of my marriage asunder, or really, I am cutting the final thread of that fabric which still remains intact; in my heart of hearts, I know that the garment of wedded bliss was largely reduced to tatters *years* ago.

But. Still. However.

I lied. I lied. I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied and I lied some more, when you boil it down to the basics. I said I'd forsake all others, I said I'd love him with all my heart, I said I'd stay with him forever, and I'm not staying forever, and that means I LIED. About the biggest lie you can tell, really--I will love you 'til the end of my days--and I told it.

I know that I am a lying sack of shit, and I am disgusted with myself.

But that's in the part of me that knows that it's wrong to lie. Whether you mean to or not, whether you have reason to or not, to protect someone else or save someone's life or for any good intention, it is always wrong to tell a lie; to break a promise; to not keep your word. In some part of myself, I genuinely believe that.

Of course, this is the part of me that is so anti-abortion, I believe women who fall pregnant as the result of rape should just have the resultant baby, and if they don't want to keep it, just give it up for adoption, because abortion is murder and murder is wrong. My Mama taught me that there's only black and white, and nothing in between, not a single area of grey, and deep down, I still believe that. Really. Deep down, I do. Ideally.

On the other hand--mercy over justice. If something unbearably shitty happens to someone, ie rape, and there are unfortunate consequences, then the person who's been shat on has to deal with those consequences in the best way they know how, and I don't think anyone else has the right to judge them regarding that choice. Not that my husband's behaviour during our marriage was rape in a sexual sense; but between the pair of us, we fought and forced and took advantage and fucked up repeatedly and eventually ruined things, and I'm not evil through and through because I saw it first.

Even if I feel it, sometimes.

So. To recap my original point. I know I had 'justification' to do the sorts of things I did, as a married woman. And I was so unhappy, I'm not sure how I'd have stopped myself... but I did try. And I still knew then, and know now, that I was in the wrong.

I wonder if my husband realises when he's in the wrong?

And NO, that's not me taking a shot at him. He knows what I'm referring to, and he knows it was wrong... I think. Doesn't he?

My whole point is, I just wonder. ?