Acquaintance

I have decided, based on past/current experiences, that I should re-evaluate my definition of the word, 'friend.' This is not to curtail anyone from attempting to be my friend--all applicants are welcome--but I need some sort of guideline, just to stop me from getting confused.

I need more real friends. I should attempt to learn how to spot them.

Or, failing that, I should attempt to weed out the shit friends by process of elimination. Here goes:

You are not my friend if I cannot trust you, even in the most minor ways. If you are going to continually stand me up, break plans, and force me to rearrange my schedule at a moment's notice if I want any chance of seeing you, you are not my friend.

You are not my friend if you continually call me a liar/assume the absolute worst about me. If I say something which could have 2 or more meanings, and you pick the worst one every single time, you are not my friend.

You are not my friend if you never ask about me. My life, my kids, my folks back home, etc. If all that's just trivia to you, then you are not my friend.

You are not my friend if I'm not allowed to have an opinion which differs from yours. If you are never wrong, resort to name-calling when losing an argument, and rain judgment down upon anyone who dares to disagree with you, you are not my friend (and probably not anyone else's, either).

Similarly to above: you are not my friend if I can't have an open, honest discussion with you. If you reject everything I say as invalid or irrelevent before I've even finished saying it, you are not my friend.

And finally, you are not my friend if you don't respect me. Regardless of the mistakes I've made in my life, I deserve at least basic civility. I deserve the right to make my own choices, without your censure. If you believe you have the right to tell me how to live my life, and then become enraged and abusive when I don't take your (half-assed, unresearched, made-up-in-your-head) advice, YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND.

We can remain friendly acquaintances, because it is not in my nature to cause drama just for drama's sake. I will be civil, polite, courteous, etc, most likely even when you don't deserve it. But make no mistake. Unless you are capable of treating me with basic human decency--which is more important than being able to make me laugh, anyone can do that--then you are not my friend.