I tried to brush her hair today. It took me an hour, and it's maybe a third of the way done, and she screamed so hard for the first 30 minutes that she burst dozens of tiny blood vessels underneath her jawline, you can see them, clear as septicaemia, little plum-and-grape-and-strawberry-coloured pinpricks, beautiful and terrifying under her ethereally pale, almost blue-white skin... and I'm going to have to go in there now, and finish brushing her hair, because I can't let today's work be in vain. It's taken me 3 weeks to build up enough of an emotional... reservoir... of strength, to even do that much. I'll have to persevere.
But. Oh, I wish one of us could be less sensitive. If she has to suffer so, why do I have to suffer with her? It makes it worse, I'm so ineffective, so wary of harming her irreversibly, that sometimes, I don't do anything at all...
In the ideal sort of world, neither of us would have to suffer. In the next-best world, I'd be the one suffering, and she'd be happy and healthy and secure, and oblivious to my pain... I wish I could switch places with her. What parent doesn't wish that, when their child hurts? But I *mean* it. I'm whining, uselessly, predictably, boringly, and I don't care; why does she have to be in pain?
She is so beautiful. That's not maternal arrogance, some sort of puffed-up familial pride, some vanity regarding my own genetic superiority... she is beautiful. Somehow, that makes everything worse. Somehow, amidst all the worry and sorrow and unfathomable suffering, it's the fact that she's beautiful, that breaks your heart.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Thursday, 9 April 2009
My Babies
Okay. My babies are worth it. They 'make up for' the things I've had to forgo. But it's still a hell of a fucking choice to make, your entire family/circle of friends/education/career prospects, for a couple of pocket-sized versions of yourself. Especially when one of them *is* more or less a complete carbon copy of you... I mean, really. If everyone around me is just me and me and me again, I'm just more alone the more of us there are, aren't I?...
I can't even think of anything else to say about that.
I can't even think of anything else to say about that.
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
Fucked by Love
The reason for the title of this post is because it's so true.
Look at me.
LOOK AT ME.
I live 4000 miles away from my family, I'm a university drop-out, I am up to my neck in debt, and I have few enough friends that I can count them on one hand minus my thumb. Compare that to a 17-year-old me, who lived with her family, had already completed a year's worth of uni credit while in highschool, her only debts were of the emotional sort, and she knew at least 10 people that counted as genuine, close, fairly reliable friends.
What the fuck happened? Oh, right. Like the title says. That girl got fucked by love (and not in the nice way) and turned into the bitter, angry wreck you see before you now.
I wouldn't mind it so much, but LOVE turned out to be less than I expected. Bit of a short stick, really. As the song says, 'Always weigh what I've got against what I left/So progress report, I'm missing you to death...'
My life now is in no way a match for, much less an improvement on, the life I had when I was 17. This is NOT a fair trade. I wish I'd realised then, what I was getting myself into.
There is nothing currently in my life, that makes up for all I've lost.
Look at me.
LOOK AT ME.
I live 4000 miles away from my family, I'm a university drop-out, I am up to my neck in debt, and I have few enough friends that I can count them on one hand minus my thumb. Compare that to a 17-year-old me, who lived with her family, had already completed a year's worth of uni credit while in highschool, her only debts were of the emotional sort, and she knew at least 10 people that counted as genuine, close, fairly reliable friends.
What the fuck happened? Oh, right. Like the title says. That girl got fucked by love (and not in the nice way) and turned into the bitter, angry wreck you see before you now.
I wouldn't mind it so much, but LOVE turned out to be less than I expected. Bit of a short stick, really. As the song says, 'Always weigh what I've got against what I left/So progress report, I'm missing you to death...'
My life now is in no way a match for, much less an improvement on, the life I had when I was 17. This is NOT a fair trade. I wish I'd realised then, what I was getting myself into.
There is nothing currently in my life, that makes up for all I've lost.
Monday, 6 April 2009
IT Geeks
So. I know a few.
No, really. I know one, at present. One proper fucking thinks-he-knows-it-all fucking computer NERD (this contravenes my definition of the word as well as his, but I'm being bitchy so I'm gonna go with it). He's really tremendously clever, so he comes across when he speaks, and I've no doubt that he knows his shit. His degree is in, oh, computer molestation or whatever, and knowing him, he understood every little segment of what he learned because, well, that's just the way he is. He won't leave anything alone until he understands it better than it understands itself. No doubt his questing, dextrous fingers can send your computer into spasms of ecstasy, the likes of which it's never known. He can probably get it to cook you breakfast and make your coffee just how you like it. He can likely... you get the gist. He certainly thinks he's shit-hot at IT, and I'm inclined to agree with his opinion, since I've seen him do other things well, and he only claims to be okay/not bad at them.
On the other hand. I have a friend who is completely self-taught, with regards to computers. He's good with numbers and logic, and he has a uni degree that would back those claims up, but he's much more understated. I have a webpage, which I don't show around much because it's not completed, and he knocked it together for me--free of charge, because that's the way he is. To his mind, if he can do something in 5 or 10 or 15 minutes, why would he charge anyone for it? And he is strongly opposed to IT guys who, in his opinion, waste billions of £££ every year, by implementing all sorts of unnecessary and fancy shit on websites which, if given his way, he could construct for a fraction of the cost. He claims that his work would be as user-friendly and efficient as anything a proper IT guy could create, and would likely look equally excellent as well. Not to mention it costing a quarter of what Mr. Techno-Big-Stuff would charge for his services. I mean, I understood the inherent flaws in his stuff, as well. Namely, real IT geeks wouldn't cum in their pants over his stuff; but for day-to-day use, it'd be spot-on, and he wouldn't be smug and superior about it.
I told my friend he was the most no-nonsense person I know, and I meant it. He is so without bullshit, it's an amazement to me. I genuinely believe that his IT skills are more than adequate for any task I/the average user would give him. And the lack of macho posturing is incredibly appealing.
And I just have to wonder. Like, how useful a skill is it, to be so good at IT that only die-hard computer nerds can appreciate you? I'm thinking it makes more sense to diversify. Learn something that's gonna help us when zombies take over the world. Show me you can fix an old car or do some simple plumbing or knock together a make-shift shelter in a rainstorm (using only the bounty of nature, your own two hands, and a Swiss army knife of some sort). Don't, like, try to impress me by doing stuff that's so technical and, forgive me, pointless that I can't even follow it. What's even the point, oh wait, I just said there IS none...
Some people have no idea what actually makes a worthwhile human being, as opposed to a nerdy waste of space.
No, really. I know one, at present. One proper fucking thinks-he-knows-it-all fucking computer NERD (this contravenes my definition of the word as well as his, but I'm being bitchy so I'm gonna go with it). He's really tremendously clever, so he comes across when he speaks, and I've no doubt that he knows his shit. His degree is in, oh, computer molestation or whatever, and knowing him, he understood every little segment of what he learned because, well, that's just the way he is. He won't leave anything alone until he understands it better than it understands itself. No doubt his questing, dextrous fingers can send your computer into spasms of ecstasy, the likes of which it's never known. He can probably get it to cook you breakfast and make your coffee just how you like it. He can likely... you get the gist. He certainly thinks he's shit-hot at IT, and I'm inclined to agree with his opinion, since I've seen him do other things well, and he only claims to be okay/not bad at them.
On the other hand. I have a friend who is completely self-taught, with regards to computers. He's good with numbers and logic, and he has a uni degree that would back those claims up, but he's much more understated. I have a webpage, which I don't show around much because it's not completed, and he knocked it together for me--free of charge, because that's the way he is. To his mind, if he can do something in 5 or 10 or 15 minutes, why would he charge anyone for it? And he is strongly opposed to IT guys who, in his opinion, waste billions of £££ every year, by implementing all sorts of unnecessary and fancy shit on websites which, if given his way, he could construct for a fraction of the cost. He claims that his work would be as user-friendly and efficient as anything a proper IT guy could create, and would likely look equally excellent as well. Not to mention it costing a quarter of what Mr. Techno-Big-Stuff would charge for his services. I mean, I understood the inherent flaws in his stuff, as well. Namely, real IT geeks wouldn't cum in their pants over his stuff; but for day-to-day use, it'd be spot-on, and he wouldn't be smug and superior about it.
I told my friend he was the most no-nonsense person I know, and I meant it. He is so without bullshit, it's an amazement to me. I genuinely believe that his IT skills are more than adequate for any task I/the average user would give him. And the lack of macho posturing is incredibly appealing.
And I just have to wonder. Like, how useful a skill is it, to be so good at IT that only die-hard computer nerds can appreciate you? I'm thinking it makes more sense to diversify. Learn something that's gonna help us when zombies take over the world. Show me you can fix an old car or do some simple plumbing or knock together a make-shift shelter in a rainstorm (using only the bounty of nature, your own two hands, and a Swiss army knife of some sort). Don't, like, try to impress me by doing stuff that's so technical and, forgive me, pointless that I can't even follow it. What's even the point, oh wait, I just said there IS none...
Some people have no idea what actually makes a worthwhile human being, as opposed to a nerdy waste of space.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
Nice Boys
Do they actually exist?
I was reading some comments on YouTube, it was a debate about whether or not Mecca is the centre of the world, and--as you might expect--a few Muslims had left some comments. One of the men had posted the extremely legitimate argument that 'Christian' or 'Western' men were all obsessed with sex, incapable of being gentlemen, etc. As he phrased it, 'every time I go into work, it's "oh I banged this one, I had sex with that one" -- even the geeks are like this' (rough rough rough paraphrase).
He's not wrong, is he?
How many of you, yes you, you geeks and nerds and other types of 'nice' boys I hang out with, how many of you have NEVER had sex with a girl you weren't crazy about, just because, well, she said okay? I know, it's not that you meant to hurt her. You mostly/probably/kinda tried to make everything clear from the beginning. If she got too emotionally involved with you, well, it's not your fault, is it? What are you meant to do about it, repeatedly rub her face in the fact that you don't care about her all that much? That'd just be cruel, right? Right?
Right. Sure. Of course it would be.
Why don't you guys just keep it up. Keep fucking around, keep shagging every vulnerable girl you can get your greasy grabby paws on, keep lying and dissembling and avoiding the truth, keep short-changing every nice girl who feels a spark of anything genuine for you, and one day, when you're old and sick and pissing your fucking pants at the thought of dying alone, it'll serve you right.
Or. You'll meet me (or someone like me) and you'll wish you'd played nice from the start.
Men. Fucking silly stupid thoughtless men. You think you're the only ones who can fake being in love.
I was reading some comments on YouTube, it was a debate about whether or not Mecca is the centre of the world, and--as you might expect--a few Muslims had left some comments. One of the men had posted the extremely legitimate argument that 'Christian' or 'Western' men were all obsessed with sex, incapable of being gentlemen, etc. As he phrased it, 'every time I go into work, it's "oh I banged this one, I had sex with that one" -- even the geeks are like this' (rough rough rough paraphrase).
He's not wrong, is he?
How many of you, yes you, you geeks and nerds and other types of 'nice' boys I hang out with, how many of you have NEVER had sex with a girl you weren't crazy about, just because, well, she said okay? I know, it's not that you meant to hurt her. You mostly/probably/kinda tried to make everything clear from the beginning. If she got too emotionally involved with you, well, it's not your fault, is it? What are you meant to do about it, repeatedly rub her face in the fact that you don't care about her all that much? That'd just be cruel, right? Right?
Right. Sure. Of course it would be.
Why don't you guys just keep it up. Keep fucking around, keep shagging every vulnerable girl you can get your greasy grabby paws on, keep lying and dissembling and avoiding the truth, keep short-changing every nice girl who feels a spark of anything genuine for you, and one day, when you're old and sick and pissing your fucking pants at the thought of dying alone, it'll serve you right.
Or. You'll meet me (or someone like me) and you'll wish you'd played nice from the start.
Men. Fucking silly stupid thoughtless men. You think you're the only ones who can fake being in love.
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Weltschmerz
Literally translated, the above word means 'world sadness'. I don't speak German, don't start assuming I'm clever or anything, but the word was in a book I read. A novel, some contemporary reading, again, not a literary classic. Moving on.
Do you ever just get hit with the realisation that the world is full of sadness? I'm not even talking about earth-shattering losses--death, sick children, homeless people living on discarded take-aways, etc. I'm just talking about the little things. The things that, one at a time, don't mean much at all, but all together, make it feel like the world's crumbling around you.
It's a well-known fact that people who have been married for a while, are more likely to give each other a peck on the lips, than a full-on snog, when one comes in from work. That's not a tragedy--but it doesn't have to be that way. I've seen it be better than that, after 17 years of marriage. It can be done. But almost no one bothers.
Virgins. For the most part, they're shiny and sparkly and new, they look so fresh and clean you just have to put your grubby little hands on them, and then... once they've had a little taste of what they've been missing, they stop obsessing about love and longevity and happily-ever-after, and move on to obsessing about getting their leg over. Or maybe I just know a lot of 'nice' guys who are anything but.
Men. When you start to hang out with them, they're fun and everything is breezy and amusing and light, and soon enough, one of you gets cheesed off at the other, for wanting more than that. Or for not wanting more than that. Or for not even wondering if there's more than that. Or for the fact that you called them 'the perfect friend'.
I ask you (and I may've asked this one before, but go with me)... in what fucking universe is it an insult to be told you're a great, nay an awesome, nay, a stupendous, even a perfect, friend???
Finally. Women. You start off liking them, you start off thinking they're rather groovy and fun to hang out with, and before you know it, they've lied to you/stabbed you in the back/posted random fucking journal entries, detailing all your intimate moments together.
Nothing lasts. Nothing stays the same. Nothing stays good, is the point.
I've been crying off and on since Sunday morning, thinking about that very point.
Do you ever just get hit with the realisation that the world is full of sadness? I'm not even talking about earth-shattering losses--death, sick children, homeless people living on discarded take-aways, etc. I'm just talking about the little things. The things that, one at a time, don't mean much at all, but all together, make it feel like the world's crumbling around you.
It's a well-known fact that people who have been married for a while, are more likely to give each other a peck on the lips, than a full-on snog, when one comes in from work. That's not a tragedy--but it doesn't have to be that way. I've seen it be better than that, after 17 years of marriage. It can be done. But almost no one bothers.
Virgins. For the most part, they're shiny and sparkly and new, they look so fresh and clean you just have to put your grubby little hands on them, and then... once they've had a little taste of what they've been missing, they stop obsessing about love and longevity and happily-ever-after, and move on to obsessing about getting their leg over. Or maybe I just know a lot of 'nice' guys who are anything but.
Men. When you start to hang out with them, they're fun and everything is breezy and amusing and light, and soon enough, one of you gets cheesed off at the other, for wanting more than that. Or for not wanting more than that. Or for not even wondering if there's more than that. Or for the fact that you called them 'the perfect friend'.
I ask you (and I may've asked this one before, but go with me)... in what fucking universe is it an insult to be told you're a great, nay an awesome, nay, a stupendous, even a perfect, friend???
Finally. Women. You start off liking them, you start off thinking they're rather groovy and fun to hang out with, and before you know it, they've lied to you/stabbed you in the back/posted random fucking journal entries, detailing all your intimate moments together.
Nothing lasts. Nothing stays the same. Nothing stays good, is the point.
I've been crying off and on since Sunday morning, thinking about that very point.
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Pretty Boys
I seem to collect them. And I call them my friends, and they are. I just wish I didn't hurt any of them, like, ever. And I wish they'd stop hurting me.
You've seen the movie, right? When Harry Met Sally? There are a couple of versions at least. The question is, can men and women be friends, or does sex (having it, not having it, thinking of having it, avoiding it, etc) get in the way too much?
I used to be better at this... No. I used to be uglier. I was a bit of a late bloomer, shall we say. Now, though. I'm not the most attractive flower in the world, but it's clear that I AM a flower, at least. I get my fair share of being sniffed. The odd (very odd, I'm still not everyone's cup of tea) gentleman wants to pluck me. Or something like that. And somehow, even though I spent years being overlooked by the male friends I had crushes on, my male friends can't handle it when I overlook them.
The nicest guy I know spent 3 HOURS ranting at me, when I said I wasn't interested in him. You'll think that means I know a lot of assholes--and I do--but no, seriously. He is unbelievably sweet, and it was well out of character. But clearly, I struck a nerve.
Another guy, one I kinda-sorta-used-to-maybe, we hadn't spoken in ages, and the first time we did, he had a go at me for not following through literally years ago. Again, this is a guy who's nicer than, I bet two-thirds of the guys you know. He is, or used to be, lovely.
WTF is *wrong* with you guys? Just because I want to sleep with you, doesn't mean I'm going to. Just because I like you, doesn't mean I want to sleep with you. And FFS, just because I sleep with you once, that does NOT mean I'm necessarily gonna feel the need to do it again. Sometimes I wish the lot of you would just fuck off.
There's a seriously thick, bold black line between 'golly you're cute, I'd jump you as soon as look at you' and actually acting on that thought. Grow up.
You've seen the movie, right? When Harry Met Sally? There are a couple of versions at least. The question is, can men and women be friends, or does sex (having it, not having it, thinking of having it, avoiding it, etc) get in the way too much?
I used to be better at this... No. I used to be uglier. I was a bit of a late bloomer, shall we say. Now, though. I'm not the most attractive flower in the world, but it's clear that I AM a flower, at least. I get my fair share of being sniffed. The odd (very odd, I'm still not everyone's cup of tea) gentleman wants to pluck me. Or something like that. And somehow, even though I spent years being overlooked by the male friends I had crushes on, my male friends can't handle it when I overlook them.
The nicest guy I know spent 3 HOURS ranting at me, when I said I wasn't interested in him. You'll think that means I know a lot of assholes--and I do--but no, seriously. He is unbelievably sweet, and it was well out of character. But clearly, I struck a nerve.
Another guy, one I kinda-sorta-used-to-maybe, we hadn't spoken in ages, and the first time we did, he had a go at me for not following through literally years ago. Again, this is a guy who's nicer than, I bet two-thirds of the guys you know. He is, or used to be, lovely.
WTF is *wrong* with you guys? Just because I want to sleep with you, doesn't mean I'm going to. Just because I like you, doesn't mean I want to sleep with you. And FFS, just because I sleep with you once, that does NOT mean I'm necessarily gonna feel the need to do it again. Sometimes I wish the lot of you would just fuck off.
There's a seriously thick, bold black line between 'golly you're cute, I'd jump you as soon as look at you' and actually acting on that thought. Grow up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
