Underwhere?

I have to write about this. I have to. And I know you, my audience members, are all-male, but try to maintain your interest. I have to get this out.

I just got a bra. An oversized, un-underwired, flat, cottony, 2 cup-sizes-and-2-inches-round-the-back too big bra. A nursing bra, as well, with daft foldy-down cups and no lace or silk or any other redeeming feature. It's black--I just bought some groovy underwear, black, with little pink and white and aqua polka-dots, I wanted something to match--but it's in no way sleek or slinky. Did I mention, it's like 4 sizes too big?

I ordered this hideous contraption online, because, as earlier journal entries will attest, I have been BLEEDING FROM MY NIPPLES for the best part of 3 weeks. I've actually been going bra-less, wearing baggy sweatpants and fleecy, threadbare shirts for the last week or so, and covering my upper torso in a strange lotion made of animal by-product, in an attempt to accelerate the healing process. It's worked, more or less--though my flesh is still drying out and peeling off in layers, leaving me raw if I don't slather myself in sheep lard (or whatever lanolin is) as long as I don't restrict my breasts with a proper bra and keep them moisturized, I'm in no pain. Some mild discomfort from the itching (do you know what animal fat does to your pores? It clogs them, leaving you susceptible to ITCHY SKIN INFLAMMATIONS) but hey, at least I'm not bursting into tears every time my 6 month old latches on for a snack. And, since things have been so improved for the last couple of days, I thought I'd ease myself back into actual clothes, starting with a slightly loose, wire-free bra.

Oh. My. God.

This not only looks like something my grandma would be ashamed to be seen in, but it feels like it, too. Thin, limp, no-stretch cotton, offering no support whatsoever--nevermind not restricting my breasts, I'm not even sure it's covering them. Even stuffed with breasts pads (disposable cotton pads that suck up excess milk/keep your nipples from chafing against your clothes) it's so loose I can't even feel it. I'm only sure it's there because, well, I'm half-naked and I can SEE it, and the breasts pads haven't fallen out into my lap. It's so unobtrusive, so non-restrictive, just so NON, that once I put my clothes on, I won't even be sure it's there.

Which brings me back to the title of this entry; it's not so much underwear, as.... ;)