Deep Breath

I've taken one. I feel much calmer now.

You know what I hate? Have you ever met one of those people who just need drama in their lives? I'll bet you have; I'll bet you know what I mean, when I say they're addicted to the adrenaline rush they get from arguing/fighting/crying/etc, so if nothing's wrong in their life at a certain point, they engineer a crisis. These individuals are, at an almost overwhelming ratio, more often female than male, but I do know at least 2 men who suffer from this affliction, and only 1 of them's gay, so it seems to affect people from both genders and various persuasions... by far, it seems to be a more feminine sort of issue than a masculine one, though.

What if I'm one of them?

Absolutely nothing was wrong yesterday, except I was a little bored and generally sluggish (my period's a bit late, I think I may start it any day now) and all of a sudden, I was in the crappiest mood you can imagine. I tried to pick a fight with a friend (he wouldn't) and so, thwarted in my evil plans, I just went to bed, and woke up this morning in the same crappy mood. And now, here I am, posting inflammatory things about men, knowing the only people who read this are male... I'm so obviously, blatantly spoiling for a fight.

Not that anyone cares enough to fight with me; it's a special group, people who care enough to fight with you, but not so much that they just take all your shit without flinching. My life is full of both--people who straight away tell me to fuck off when I voice any displeasure (or ignore me, which is the same thing, only worse) and other people, who try to soothe and stroke me into a happy place, even as I'm calling them cunts and telling them to go fuck themselves. No one occupies the middle ground. I've got no one to go, 'Hey, I can see you're in a really shit mood, but do you have to take it out on me? You do? Alright then you bitch, come on, get it out of your system,' and then listen to my rant before reminding me that, okay, I've got a point, but NOW I'm just being a twat.

Common sense. Everyone needs a dose of it sometimes. And, like, telling me I'm wonderful when I'm being a shit to you is NOT common sense. What am I, fucking stupid? Do you think I don't REALISE I'm being a cow? Do you think that I'll be offended if you tell me I've hurt your feelings/pissed you off/surprised you/annoyed you/disconcerted you, etc?

Sometimes, I just want someone to dig and pry and force me into saying WHY I'm flipping out over nothing. I want an acknowledgment that I AM being a shit, before the ego-stroking begins. But no. All I get is, ho hum, she's being a dick, I'll come back later, or, awww, bless, you're clearly very cranky, tell me what's wrong snookums. Which, if you look at it one way, is just another way of ignoring me. I don't want my bad behaviour glossed over--I want to be called on it.

LOL. In other words, I want you to ask me what's wrong, but without being patronising or overly sympathetic, while giving me some common sense, while making sure that you don't ignore any single comment I've made or facet of my behaviour, AND I want your feelings to be hurt enough that you fight back a little. Ask me what's wrong, and do it in EXACTLY the way I want you to, or it's not good enough, is what I'm really saying.

And that, my friends, is what makes me equal parts drama queen and spoilt brat.

I should blog more. I help myself a lot more than anyone else helps me. Like, you know how you can get yourself off loads more times in an hour than someone else could? That's what this. Emotional masturbation. Nobody does it like you can do it yourself.

Emotional masturbation. That's too good a phrase. I bet I stole it from somewhere.

So. Plagiarist, drama queen, spoilt brat, and general cow. Could my list of personality flaws BE any worse? I'm stopping there. Fuck me. And yet... I feel much better now. Much, much better. So much better, I'm not even cheesed off anymore. I may go out and do a good deed for the day. I may help someone else. I may try to write something that's not narcissistic, ego-centric, plagiaristic shit. That's how much better I feel now.

*wanders off, singing to herself* 'Nobody does it like you, the way that you do, nobody's got the power to please me....'