I'm Sorry Again...

Again, I owe some people some apologies; namely, my in-laws. They are, without exception, some of the nicest people I have ever met.

They are also, the men especially, literally convinced they live under a family curse. A curse. A curse of bad luck.

I just don't know what to do with that. I was brought up to believe in God, and to have faith that all things work together for good, and... well... just that sort of thing. I pray before I go to bed at night. I quote Scripture, from time to time. I occasionally read my Bible.

And I absolutely DO NOT believe that the way forward, is to always assume everything is going to fuck up on you.

I understand that we all get slapped in the face by life, from time to time. I get that. I am reeling from blows that happened to me years ago.

Of course, I've ALSO been slapped in the face by my husband. That would be part of the point of why we're getting divorced. Because in the end, we're no good for each other.

He's certainly no good for me.

But I'm sorry that I've been angry and bitter about it. I'm sorry I want to blame his parents for his failings--it's just, I have spent so much of my life loving him, and although I don't anymore, I will always want to believe the best of him. That things aren't his fault. That with a fair crack at life, he would have been better, happier, healthier. Maybe he would have been. But NO ONE gets a fair shot at life. Learning to be an adult is about learning to just get on with it, in spite of life's crapness.

These last few weeks have been so hard. I haven't slept through the night once. I have doubted myself and doubted my ability to cope and doubted my motives. But deep down, I genuinely feel that this is the way to what's best for me and my kids.

We're gonna be just fine. And I'm so sorry that other people may be hurt to ensure that, but I can't turn away from what I believe is the right thing to do. What I can do is: lay off narky, snide comments, and expecting everyone to fall in line with my plans, and just doing what I have to do, with the least amount of hassle. Which is what I'll do from now on.

I'm sorry if I've been unkind to, or lost my temper with, anyone in the last few weeks. It's only proof that this isn't as easy for me as it sometimes seems.